Been gone a long, long time. Time for some catch up I guess......or would you rather some ketchup? Or Catsup if you're an asshole.
I am separated from my wife. I say wife and not wife or wife because it best expresses how I feel about using that term....or maybe it just expresses best how I feel about the relationship I have with her now. Thin, almost frail....slanted. Italicized. Like the very act of trying to salvage or save it may crush it. Like when someone tries to save an other's life via CPR and accidentally causes fractured ribs and internal bleeding. Then your ass gets sued. Cause you're not qualified to save their life, just fucking it up when they are down. Bee-tee-dub, don't go thinking you can get away with that.
I won't go into the nitty-gritty of how the ship sank, just take my word that I aimed that motherfucker at an iceberg and lost the biggest game of chicken of my life. Ya know, because it's an iceberg. A force of nature that doesn't fear you at all and demands your respect and humility. I and the Titanic are it's eternal bitches. To speak plainly, I really am what was wrong with our relationship....our marriage.
It takes two to fail in a marriage, Jason....
What can I say, I'm just that good. Err, or bad? The details aren't important. Just trust me on this.
Since the separation started, December 3rd 2011, 9:30/10ish in the morning, I have discovered a few things.
It's very easy to criticize someone when they are doing something you never do. Trust me. Your options are to either jump in and help, offer to do it so they don't have to, or let them do it their way. But Jason, what about popping off at the mouth with some critical comment that can only be taken as confrontational as well as slightly condescending? No. That is not an option. That is being an asshole.
You may feel stupid or foolish complimenting your SO all the time, but get over it. I grew up in a family where compliments were a rarity. When they did come out they were often sarcastic. Good grades or being a good kid were not things you were complimented on....you were supposed to be good. You didn't complimented on things you were supposed to be. However, not being good got you your ass handed to you. I was taught at work you didn't need to be appreciated, you got a pay check and continued to get a paycheck if they appreciated you....if you weren't appreciated, you were fired. WTF is your point?My point is that whether you think it's stupid or not, if you don't tell the person you're with how much they mean to you, what you love about them, then they will never know. If you used to, but don't anymore, they will forget. It's not hard to take 2 seconds out of your fucking day to appreciate someone. It's a shit ton better than the alternative.
Sacrifices must be made. If you aren't making any, than your partner is making double the sacrifices they should.
Fuck constantly. Or have sex. Or make love. Or whatever you crazy kids like to do.
Kk, enough of that. I sure as shit don't know enough about marriage or relationships to be preaching, so....yeah. I know this is a short blog. Short for me anyways. I'll post another soon....one not so separation-centric.
This is really getting me down lately. I loved Washington summers. Growing up it was 3 months of pretty solid good weather. Now were lucky if we get 2 months. It's complete shit if you ask me. The rain was always worth it for those absolutely beautiful summers. For the first time in my life I have been considering moving just because of the weather.
But Jason, it's Washington. What do you expect?
I'll kill the next person that says that to me. I've lived here my whole life and the weather has gotten worse. It's getting far away from the Washington I know and love. KK. Done with that.
Weight loss is going well. March 24th I was 387lbs. Let me say that again. 387 POUNDS.
Holy fat ass mofo, Batman!!
Yep. I always said if I reached 400lbs any of my friends had my permission to shoot me. Literally end my life, as I had obviously decided on not giving a shit about my life at that point. I now weigh 332lbs.
Holy your still fat but good job so far, Batman!!
Damn straight! It IS a good job, 55lbs in three months. It's still only the beginning though. That's important to remember. 332lbs is still HUGE, I'm just not as huge. That's what gets you in trouble. That feeling of satisfaction, that idea that you look great. That sentence needs to always be amended with compared to how you did look. I look better, but not great, not as good as I can look. I'll rant a little on this after I talk about how I got here. Someone that reads this may be interested in it, so I guess it's for them. The rest of you, go Twitter, masturbate, or Tweet about how you are masturbating while thinking about the upcoming new season of True Blood. Please please do not get me started on that shit......
STORY MODE
Some of you may have remembered that I lost quite a bit of weight before. I had weighed 388lbs about 3 and a half years ago. I saw a photo of myself and I realized I looked short in the pic. I am not short. I am 6'1". In fact, I was taller, but my weight was so great that it had effected my posture and compressed my spine so much I lost an inch of height. A whole damn inch. If you lost that off your dick you would cry. Point is, I looked at this photo and I was so wide that I looked short. It's hard to explain. This upset me, to say the least. So, I thought it would be best if I went on a diet that gave me no options, something I wouldn't have to think about, just eat what I was given. I decided to go with Nutrisystem. I stuck to it religiously for about a month and a half. It worked fantastically. I didn't change anything except what I ate. I didn't exercise, I didn't play sports, go on walks, nothing. I lost about 30 pounds. It was awesome. I stopped with the Nutrisystem because I hated shelling out $300+ all at once each month for food. That's a hell of a deal for a full month's worth of food, but I just was bad about taking the hit all at once. I got off Nutrisystem and gained about 15lbs back in the next month and a half or so.
Cue Atkins. I read the Atkins diet book and followed it to the extreme. I consumed less than 6 grams of carbs a day. It was amazing. I lost weight so fast, and I didn't exercise or anything. Just ate meat and cheese and drank diet rite. I sometimes lost 2-3lbs a day. Bullshit, Jason.Suck my dick, bullshit my tatted ass! When I plateaued I had a cheat day and it kick started the weight loss again. In the end I lost around 120lbs in about 7 months. TA-DA! Bought some new clothes, I felt really confident, it was great. It didn't last.
I had a comparison pic of myself, you know, the before and after type deal. I saw that and I was so happy with how I looked compared to how I did, I just started slipping. Ballz. It killed it. I started gaining back, and try as I might, I couldn't get back on the wagon. I could go a week or two, but in the end I'd hit up Main Chinese Buffet, that whore, and dive right in. Work would have donuts, cake, lard deep fried in lard that was coated in lard sauce and I ate it, because everyone else did, so why the hell can't I?
RANT ALERT ** RANT ALERT ** RANT ALERT
When you lose weight, everything is your enemy. Believe it or not, your friends, your family, the people you work with, the TV, the sun and the shit assed stars are all your enemies. Why?? I don't know. It's a cruel trick the universe plays on you. People will tell you look great. We talked about that earlier. You do look great, COMPARED to what you did look like. They won't say, that part. They won't say you're on the right track but you still have a long way to go. You will be modest, you will tell them that, and for the most part they will just tell you that you look fantastic. They will disregard the fact that you do in fact have more work to do. Remember, these are the same people that didn't look you in the eye and tell you that you were fat shit to begin with. When you asked how you looked, or confided to one of them you liked them, or told them about someone you did like, they never told you the truth. They never said, you look fat. I like you, but I'm not attracted to you cause your fat. That person you like may not want you because they are not able to find you attractive because your. are. fat. Why the hell should they?? This is all something you already know. They shouldn't have to play the bad guy.
They all know how to lose weight as well. Every person on this planet, skinny, fat, athletic, buff, short, tall, and toothless, they all know the secret to losing weight. It get's better. They want to share it with you. Fat people will tell you about the time they lost a ton of weight -hehe, like I'm doing now- and skinny people will tell you how their friend lost weight, or how they lost the 5lbs keeping them out of the super tiny horny maker of a bikini they bought for the summer. It is annoying. It's almost enraging. I even went through a stage of hating other fat people. Fuck you. At least I admit it, and it helped. I don't hate them anymore, but it makes me sad.
If you think you are fat, guess what? You probably are. If you don't feel that you being fat is fucking up your quality of life enough to care about it, fine. Do what you want. Don't get pissed if someone cracks off something about you being fat though. Don't get mad that someone figured out the big secret in your life, that you are "x"lbs overweight. If you do think it is screwing up your whole universe, do something. Wait, what? DO SOMETHING. Anything. Try a fad diet. Fails? Try the next one. Fails? Try Atkins. Fails? Try sensible eating. Fails? Throw in some exercise. Fails? Get surgery. Fails? Rinse and repeat. Don't stop until you get there. When you are there, keep it. I don't know how that works yet. Hopefully I get the chance to find out. Oh, and one more thing. DO NOT WATCH THE BIGGEST LOSER. You will most likely not ever drop 20lbs in a week. You will not have 8 hours a day to work out. If you do, get your ass a job or go to school. It will only depress you to see people losing weight so much faster than you. Trust me, if you had $100K carrot in front of your big ass and a full time free personal trainer while getting all your bills paid at home for nothing, you could do it too. You can do it without all that too, just not as fast. And that's OK.
RANT OVER ** RANT OVER ** RANT OVER
So I gained 119lbs back. I was depressed. I felt like I let myself down. I felt like I let everyone else down. There is this look people give you when they haven't seen you in awhile and you look so much better than you did the last time they saw you. It's a great feeling. Their is also a look you get when you look so much worse. They will try to hide it, but believe me, there is no way to hide that look. It may be only for a split second, but you know when you get it. It sucks, but it's cold hard truth. I was getting that look.
I decided to get bariatric surgery. Gastric bypass, baby. I had always been against this. I still am. It's a last ditch effort that too many people use as their second or fourth. It should be the do or die, I-have-really-tried-everything-not-just-half-assed-every-attempt-to-lose-weight, last ditch effort. Ballz. I thought I was at that point. I made the appointments, did the testing, lost the weight. In order to qualify you must lose a certain amount of weight before a surgery date will be set, then lose a certain amount more before the actual surgery. My target was 20lbs. I went low carb to meet this goal, and I did it in about 2 weeks.
I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am deathly afraid of surgery. I am afraid of being put under with anesthesia. They idea that someone was gong to cut off my intestines, staple my stomach to the size of a shot glass, and then sew my intestines back on into a spot other than where they were originally intended to be scared the shit out of me. I had nightmares about it. Seriously.
I had one more thing to do in order to qualify and that was to go to group. AA for fat people. People that were gearing up for the surgery and people that had done it already would be there. Supporting each other, sharing stories, crying, laughing......FUCK THAT. I'm a pretty open guy, a little too open. I can't do that though. I went, got on the scale, looked around, and left before the group began. Backstory: I had also had the change to hear from many people that were around people that had had the surgery, and all of them lost a ton of weight in an accelerated time frame. 95% of them gained it back. GAINED. IT. BACK. Major life threatening surgery, and they gained it all back. All I could think was that these people had lost weight but had not learned the hard work involved in eating right, being active, and changing the way you live your life overall. The surgery had become like cliff's notes in the world of weight loss to me. Don't get me wrong, some people genuinely need this surgery, they have tried everything, this is their best bet. Plus, eating shit blended down to the consistency of baby food for a long period of time is not easy. But I wasn't one of them. I knew that if I had the surgery I would lose the weight, have a shit ton of flabby hanging skin, and most likely gain it back. I also knew that I would not be as satisfied with the weight loss if I did it that way, not unless it was the only choice I had left. I left the group before it began and joined a gym. I bought some work out clothes. I went home and told Britt.
I switched from low carb because I noticed how weak I was compared to before losing all the weight the first time with low carb. I was not happy about this. I had noticed my fat sitting on me differently than before, the weight I had gained back was not, I don't know the right term....perky? lol I had lost a lot of muscle. I did some research and found out that a low carb diet causes up to 30% of the weight you lose to be muscle mass. Had I continued that path and lost all the weight I wanted I would have been a frame of bone, no muscle, and hanging skin. Scew that. I changed my diet to a balanced nutrition plan. I eat good carbs, I keep an eye on calories, consume good fats, and protein as well as all the right amounts of vitamins. It was tricky at first, eating 6 to 7 times a day. It was the opposite of what I knew to cause me to lose weight in the past. I stuck with it, and results were good. I stepped it up and got a personal trainer, and I now walk a 2.75 loop during lunch at work with a friend, and hit the gym for up to an hour a day as well. When it's just me on the loop cause my friend can't make it, I run as much of it as I can. I feel good. I feel excited after every workout.
My wife's family is a bunch of damn fit people. It pisses me off sometimes, I get jealous. I use that for part of my motivation. I want to do things with them. I want to play sports with them and get my ass kicked. I want to be a role model to my kids for healthy habits. I want to go swimming with friends and family and not be afraid of taking off my shirt and letting the Sweet n' Sour follow the sun across the sky in all their glory.
Yeah. I want that. I'm gonna get it.
On a side note, I have been thinking about Pat a lot. This damn song keeps going in my head, and I have been thinking about him constantly for the past 2 weeks. Posted a song on his profile. It's an acoustic version of a much faster song. I'll post the original below in case anyone cares. If you wanna hear the acoustic version, check out his profile on FB.
On anything really. Some have their reasons, most don't. At least not any good ones.
I get on FB and I am constantly surprised by some of the stuff people post, how much acid can be contained in a single status update is astounding. Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty of this as well from time to time. I recently posted my wish to have someone die in a fire. It was horrible. I regret doing it.
I'm not talking about cussing in a post, being crude, or perverted. Posts like that seem normal to me. Everyone lets a "Fuck!" slip past their lips. Everyone has nasty things on their mind several times an hour, that's not surprising in a post to me. Belief. Anti-belief. That sticks out to me.
In the past few months I've noticed a lot of "religion" posts. Correction, anti-religion. Whatever. What has been bothering me lately is this trend where people take jabs at people that have faith. In...in anything, really. It's odd. I don't see any of the people I am friends with on FB that are religious posting videos, articles, or rants that call people that don't believe in God stupid. I sure see a lot of atheists do it lately though. I don't get it.
Maybe some people are afraid. I've heard that when people are afraid of something they lash out against it. I mean it makes sense to get mad when someone tells you you're fucked if you don't start living a certain way. I think at one time I was like that. I don't know what I am now, not that. I once had a conversation with someone that attended a book burning. Sounds crazy, right? You think book burning you think Nazis. You think of the good ol' propaganda days. The situation was that this guy had been attending church for a little while. He was getting into it. One day, one of the new members of the church decided they wanted to do away with things they owned that they believed were not suitable for them anymore. That they believed were only going to lead to temptation by the devil.So what do you do with this stuff. You don't donate it. I mean if you really think it is bad you don't spread it to someone else. You don't keep it. So they decided to burn it. The guy told me that this burning made him stop going to church. That the look on the people's faces were too glad. They were all smiling and it was creepy. That seemed wrong to him, burning books happily.
I thought for a moment, and the image disturbed me a little as well. It was creepy to me, in the way that a greasy haired man taking a big bite of some super rare bloody steak was creepy to me. In that I mean, there wasn't anything wrong with it to me, just odd or unsettling for some reason. Then I thought about it a bit more. I said to him, "imagine you believed by burning a book you were helping a person keep their life on track. They wanted you to burn this book, and you whole heartily believed that this material could only hurt. Wouldn't you be happy to do so?" I guess the best way to put it is if you had a friend that wanted to get off heroine and they had a shit ton of it in their house, wouldn't you be more than happy to burn it for them at their request? You wouldn't think twice. Unless you like heroine, then you might try to snag it.
Now imagine you whole heartily believed that your best friend, your husband or your wife, maybe your mother was going to be killed in the most painful way possible if they got in their car today. Set on fire and burned to death. You had no proof, you had nothing but a note to say that this would happen, yet you believed it with every fiber of your being. What would you do to stop them from getting in that car? Would you beg? Would you yell? Would you lock them up for the day? What if someone was trying to get in the car and ignore you? What would you do to that person? It's fucking crazy from one end, but completely understandable as well. Let me tell you, if I believed for a second that my daughters were going to be tortured eternally unless I did <blank>, I would do it. No matter what, I would. It's fucked up, I know, but there it is.
I'm going nowhere and I apologize for that. In the end I just think some people think it is easy to abandon belief, faith, in something that is ingrained in there life, that's part of them. It's just as silly as when a person says another chooses to be gay and therefore can choose not to be. If one is bullshit, so is the other.
It's the nature of people to be at ends with each other, if it's not religion it's money and power. It's sex. It's all the things we don't see eye to eye on and it's easier to feel right about something, sure of something, if you can dismiss the other side of the table as being full of idiots. Attack them, make them look weak while you look powerful.
It's painful to see, people casting stones without even seeing where they are going to land, no idea who they will hit.
Still, I miss blogging from the Myspace days. In this age of FB that almost seems like a dirty word as well. Myspace. In any case, I miss it. So that's why I decided to start one up.
"What's it gonna be about, Jason?"
I wish I knew. I guess whatever is on my mind, whatever is going on in my life. If you know me in RL maybe it will be about what's going on in yours. It will most likely be offensive, so let me apologize in advance. It's just how I am.
1......2......3......go
Some of you may know that I have been going to the gym lately. Some of you may also know that I have also shelled out some cash to work with a personal trainer. This is something that has always been unthinkable to me....more than unthinkable. Retarded. In the past my train of thought traveled along these lines:
So, let me get this straight. I pay money for you to tell me things I can learn from the internet? I learn how to lose weight from someone who has probably never had to lose any significant amount of weight in their life? Yes, I know, you work really hard every spring to lose 10 punk ass pounds so you can look good at the lake in the summer.
After many years of being morbidly obese and succeeding in only getting heavier I am ready to try anything. You'll know if you ever get there. You may think of the movie Se7en and remember that part where the lawyer is found dead with his love handle cut off. One pound of flesh, no more no less. No cartilage, no bone, but only flesh. You think of that scene, you look at the butter knife on the table while your at Olive Garden stuffing your hole full of <insert choice of pasta here>, and you think for a moment that that might not be so bad. Well, maybe you won't. You may consider other extreme alternatives. Maybe bariatric surgery. I did. More on that in a later blog.
So. Here I am. Retarded. I'm OK with it. If you feel like I felt there are probably a great many things you don't know. Like how when you check out the internet for that knowledge there is so much info it's enough to make you head explode. Worse, a lot of it is just bullshit. You'd be surprised how many legit looking sites are really only there to sell you something. Actually, you shouldn't be surprised. Greedy fucks are everywhere, the internet is no exception. I don't know why I was surprised at all. The thing is, even if you are able to filter out all the bullshit, you're left with so much information it's almost impossible to find the information you need. The info that pertains to you and your body. After a great many hours I caved and got a trainer.
Pros: I am finding more and more that I don't like to let people down. Don't mistake that for I won't let you down. I most certainly will. I just don't want to. I'm an asshole, not a deliberate asshole. The distinction may not mean much to you, but it means the world to me. So, I don't like to let people down. I don't like to quit when someone is watching. When someone is monitoring. When someone is investing their time into me, even if I am paying them for it. I don't like to be a disappointment to others. I don't like being one to myself either, but somewhere down the line have accepted it. The trainer keeps me honest. If I don't progress I have someone to answer to, someone who notices. I have a single source of pre-filtered information. The trainer introduces variation.
Cons: It's expensive. Straight up. Expensive.
Even that's not such a con. It's an investment. It's motivation to work my ass off so I'm not wasting my money.
More on all of that later. If that bored you than you may not want to follow this blog. This thing, this health thing is a big part of my life right now. Someone once told me it's called catching fire. It was in a religious context. It was used to describe when people first find their faith and start gong to church for the first time regularly. People often catch fire and burn bright with fervor and a yearning for knowledge about God. The problem was that fires burn out. I'm sure I've caught fire, I just need to keep it going. Stay lit. In any case, while I am, I will probably blog about it a lot. There's your warning.
In other news (I will keep it short because I have to get up early and I still want to watch Game of Thrones before bed):
Been playing Rift. For those that don't know, it's an MMORPG. If you don't know what that is, call me geek now and get it done with. It's awesome. I loved WoW, but this is a great change of pace. It doesn't reinvent the genre, but it polishes the shit out of it. If you're into that sort of thing, check it out.
Work has been slightly crazy lately, I feel like I have a lot to prove. That's nothing new, I have always felt like I had something to prove since I started, but now I feel the stakes are higher. I imagine that is the exact opposite most people feel when they are finally made permanent. I like it though. I am pushing myself to learn more, and for the first time I feel like I have a career to map out. I sort of think I want to run shit. Maybe not at my current job, but somewhere.
I miss him. Fucker was supposed to miss me, not the other way around. That's all I will say about that right now
Alright, I'm out. Time to go watch Game of Thrones. You should too. It's badass.
I'll post on FB when more blogs come out. If you really care I think there is a follow by email gadget on here as well.
