This is really getting me down lately. I loved Washington summers. Growing up it was 3 months of pretty solid good weather. Now were lucky if we get 2 months. It's complete shit if you ask me. The rain was always worth it for those absolutely beautiful summers. For the first time in my life I have been considering moving just because of the weather.
But Jason, it's Washington. What do you expect?
I'll kill the next person that says that to me. I've lived here my whole life and the weather has gotten worse. It's getting far away from the Washington I know and love. KK. Done with that.
Weight loss is going well. March 24th I was 387lbs. Let me say that again. 387 POUNDS.
Holy fat ass mofo, Batman!!
Yep. I always said if I reached 400lbs any of my friends had my permission to shoot me. Literally end my life, as I had obviously decided on not giving a shit about my life at that point. I now weigh 332lbs.
Holy your still fat but good job so far, Batman!!
Damn straight! It IS a good job, 55lbs in three months. It's still only the beginning though. That's important to remember. 332lbs is still HUGE, I'm just not as huge. That's what gets you in trouble. That feeling of satisfaction, that idea that you look great. That sentence needs to always be amended with compared to how you did look. I look better, but not great, not as good as I can look. I'll rant a little on this after I talk about how I got here. Someone that reads this may be interested in it, so I guess it's for them. The rest of you, go Twitter, masturbate, or Tweet about how you are masturbating while thinking about the upcoming new season of True Blood. Please please do not get me started on that shit......
STORY MODE
Some of you may have remembered that I lost quite a bit of weight before. I had weighed 388lbs about 3 and a half years ago. I saw a photo of myself and I realized I looked short in the pic. I am not short. I am 6'1". In fact, I was taller, but my weight was so great that it had effected my posture and compressed my spine so much I lost an inch of height. A whole damn inch. If you lost that off your dick you would cry. Point is, I looked at this photo and I was so wide that I looked short. It's hard to explain. This upset me, to say the least. So, I thought it would be best if I went on a diet that gave me no options, something I wouldn't have to think about, just eat what I was given. I decided to go with Nutrisystem. I stuck to it religiously for about a month and a half. It worked fantastically. I didn't change anything except what I ate. I didn't exercise, I didn't play sports, go on walks, nothing. I lost about 30 pounds. It was awesome. I stopped with the Nutrisystem because I hated shelling out $300+ all at once each month for food. That's a hell of a deal for a full month's worth of food, but I just was bad about taking the hit all at once. I got off Nutrisystem and gained about 15lbs back in the next month and a half or so.
I had a comparison pic of myself, you know, the before and after type deal. I saw that and I was so happy with how I looked compared to how I did, I just started slipping. Ballz. It killed it. I started gaining back, and try as I might, I couldn't get back on the wagon. I could go a week or two, but in the end I'd hit up Main Chinese Buffet, that whore, and dive right in. Work would have donuts, cake, lard deep fried in lard that was coated in lard sauce and I ate it, because everyone else did, so why the hell can't I?
RANT ALERT ** RANT ALERT ** RANT ALERT
When you lose weight, everything is your enemy. Believe it or not, your friends, your family, the people you work with, the TV, the sun and the shit assed stars are all your enemies. Why?? I don't know. It's a cruel trick the universe plays on you. People will tell you look great. We talked about that earlier. You do look great, COMPARED to what you did look like. They won't say, that part. They won't say you're on the right track but you still have a long way to go. You will be modest, you will tell them that, and for the most part they will just tell you that you look fantastic. They will disregard the fact that you do in fact have more work to do. Remember, these are the same people that didn't look you in the eye and tell you that you were fat shit to begin with. When you asked how you looked, or confided to one of them you liked them, or told them about someone you did like, they never told you the truth. They never said, you look fat. I like you, but I'm not attracted to you cause your fat. That person you like may not want you because they are not able to find you attractive because your. are. fat. Why the hell should they?? This is all something you already know. They shouldn't have to play the bad guy.
They all know how to lose weight as well. Every person on this planet, skinny, fat, athletic, buff, short, tall, and toothless, they all know the secret to losing weight. It get's better. They want to share it with you. Fat people will tell you about the time they lost a ton of weight -hehe, like I'm doing now- and skinny people will tell you how their friend lost weight, or how they lost the 5lbs keeping them out of the super tiny horny maker of a bikini they bought for the summer. It is annoying. It's almost enraging. I even went through a stage of hating other fat people. Fuck you. At least I admit it, and it helped. I don't hate them anymore, but it makes me sad.
If you think you are fat, guess what? You probably are. If you don't feel that you being fat is fucking up your quality of life enough to care about it, fine. Do what you want. Don't get pissed if someone cracks off something about you being fat though. Don't get mad that someone figured out the big secret in your life, that you are "x"lbs overweight. If you do think it is screwing up your whole universe, do something. Wait, what? DO SOMETHING. Anything. Try a fad diet. Fails? Try the next one. Fails? Try Atkins. Fails? Try sensible eating. Fails? Throw in some exercise. Fails? Get surgery. Fails? Rinse and repeat. Don't stop until you get there. When you are there, keep it. I don't know how that works yet. Hopefully I get the chance to find out. Oh, and one more thing. DO NOT WATCH THE BIGGEST LOSER. You will most likely not ever drop 20lbs in a week. You will not have 8 hours a day to work out. If you do, get your ass a job or go to school. It will only depress you to see people losing weight so much faster than you. Trust me, if you had $100K carrot in front of your big ass and a full time free personal trainer while getting all your bills paid at home for nothing, you could do it too. You can do it without all that too, just not as fast. And that's OK.
RANT OVER ** RANT OVER ** RANT OVER
So I gained 119lbs back. I was depressed. I felt like I let myself down. I felt like I let everyone else down. There is this look people give you when they haven't seen you in awhile and you look so much better than you did the last time they saw you. It's a great feeling. Their is also a look you get when you look so much worse. They will try to hide it, but believe me, there is no way to hide that look. It may be only for a split second, but you know when you get it. It sucks, but it's cold hard truth. I was getting that look.
I decided to get bariatric surgery. Gastric bypass, baby. I had always been against this. I still am. It's a last ditch effort that too many people use as their second or fourth. It should be the do or die, I-have-really-tried-everything-not-just-half-assed-every-attempt-to-lose-weight, last ditch effort. Ballz. I thought I was at that point. I made the appointments, did the testing, lost the weight. In order to qualify you must lose a certain amount of weight before a surgery date will be set, then lose a certain amount more before the actual surgery. My target was 20lbs. I went low carb to meet this goal, and I did it in about 2 weeks.
I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am deathly afraid of surgery. I am afraid of being put under with anesthesia. They idea that someone was gong to cut off my intestines, staple my stomach to the size of a shot glass, and then sew my intestines back on into a spot other than where they were originally intended to be scared the shit out of me. I had nightmares about it. Seriously.
I had one more thing to do in order to qualify and that was to go to group. AA for fat people. People that were gearing up for the surgery and people that had done it already would be there. Supporting each other, sharing stories, crying, laughing......FUCK THAT. I'm a pretty open guy, a little too open. I can't do that though. I went, got on the scale, looked around, and left before the group began. Backstory: I had also had the change to hear from many people that were around people that had had the surgery, and all of them lost a ton of weight in an accelerated time frame. 95% of them gained it back. GAINED. IT. BACK. Major life threatening surgery, and they gained it all back. All I could think was that these people had lost weight but had not learned the hard work involved in eating right, being active, and changing the way you live your life overall. The surgery had become like cliff's notes in the world of weight loss to me. Don't get me wrong, some people genuinely need this surgery, they have tried everything, this is their best bet. Plus, eating shit blended down to the consistency of baby food for a long period of time is not easy. But I wasn't one of them. I knew that if I had the surgery I would lose the weight, have a shit ton of flabby hanging skin, and most likely gain it back. I also knew that I would not be as satisfied with the weight loss if I did it that way, not unless it was the only choice I had left. I left the group before it began and joined a gym. I bought some work out clothes. I went home and told Britt.
I switched from low carb because I noticed how weak I was compared to before losing all the weight the first time with low carb. I was not happy about this. I had noticed my fat sitting on me differently than before, the weight I had gained back was not, I don't know the right term....perky? lol I had lost a lot of muscle. I did some research and found out that a low carb diet causes up to 30% of the weight you lose to be muscle mass. Had I continued that path and lost all the weight I wanted I would have been a frame of bone, no muscle, and hanging skin. Scew that. I changed my diet to a balanced nutrition plan. I eat good carbs, I keep an eye on calories, consume good fats, and protein as well as all the right amounts of vitamins. It was tricky at first, eating 6 to 7 times a day. It was the opposite of what I knew to cause me to lose weight in the past. I stuck with it, and results were good. I stepped it up and got a personal trainer, and I now walk a 2.75 loop during lunch at work with a friend, and hit the gym for up to an hour a day as well. When it's just me on the loop cause my friend can't make it, I run as much of it as I can. I feel good. I feel excited after every workout.
My wife's family is a bunch of damn fit people. It pisses me off sometimes, I get jealous. I use that for part of my motivation. I want to do things with them. I want to play sports with them and get my ass kicked. I want to be a role model to my kids for healthy habits. I want to go swimming with friends and family and not be afraid of taking off my shirt and letting the Sweet n' Sour follow the sun across the sky in all their glory.
Yeah. I want that. I'm gonna get it.
On a side note, I have been thinking about Pat a lot. This damn song keeps going in my head, and I have been thinking about him constantly for the past 2 weeks. Posted a song on his profile. It's an acoustic version of a much faster song. I'll post the original below in case anyone cares. If you wanna hear the acoustic version, check out his profile on FB.
Jason B
So am I allowed to call him fat now...?
I feel like your groupy (is that how you spell that??) because I am the only one who comments.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I am going to comment... I have also struggled with my weight. I feel as though struggle is an understatement; I have been in a bloody battle with my weight since I was 8 years old and learned how to throw up my food. Before the wedding I went to a gym, walked to class and lost the weight for the wedding. But, soon after I gained it back plus more. I felt like such a loser for getting married and then gaining 60 pounds in two years. My point is that I was refered to Dr. Zeckmann by my hairdresser. She is a fat people specialist and it has been great for me. I am losing weight slowly and learning how to eat and exercise to build muscle. Also, I am held accountable every month to her office. Thanks for sharing. I really do enjoy your blog.